Ben Allan

I am a Hodgkins Lymphoma survivor

I am a Hodgkins Lymphoma survivor, diagnosed April 2018

I was recently asked, "What has been the biggest challenge in your blood cancer experience?" This is a loaded but good question. Having recovered from chemo and having a year since treatment, the overarching challenge has been the mental health challenge that goes along with a cancer diagnosis. When you are first diagnosed, you have to wrap your head around the fact that you have cancer and that you are going to go through brutal treatment and try to get through it as soon as possible. I didn't anticipate the amount of recovery it would take mentally after treatment. It took me about 10 months to get back to a place where I felt I could function on a normal level. I had a high level of anxiety; there's this constant fear of "What if it comes back?" If I had a rash, a small itch or a small lump, then my brain went back to "What if this is a relapse?" I jumped straight back into full-time work, taking on the largest role that I had ever had, and it was way too soon. I ended up quitting a year later. You have to learn to have grace with yourself, and I didn't to the extent that I should have. My expectations for myself and my life goals were no lower for myself than they were before my diagnosis. Physically, I feel just as good as I did before treatment; I feel very fortunate to have recovered well physically, but I wasn't exempt from struggling mentally. 6 - 8 months after treatment, people may have thought I was "back to normal," since I was doing well and looking good physically, but going "back to normal" is never really the same again.

How my life has been changed by a blood cancer - it's just now really starting to hit me - realizing the importance of slowing down, enjoying your day-to-day and not always focusing on where you're trying to get to. I almost wanted to pretend that my blood cancer didn't happen, trying to achieve my goals "without losing any ground." I have learned that it's OK to not be OK and to just be where you are at. The fact of the matter is I'm here and I'm breathing, and that should be enough on some days. This has been a 2-year journey for me since being diagnosed - physical recovery, mental recovery and now looking at what my "new normal" looks like.

I had heard of Light The Night during my treatment. We then heard about the event again last-minute in 2019. My first and foremost reason to join was because I was looking to give back, help in the community and get connected with people who have gone through the same thing. There is a lot of power in that community, and I wanted to give, to others, hope for the future. I just thought that the event was really cool - being at night with the lanterns. I didn't want this experience to be just for nothing; I wanted to try and make a difference where I could. I saw the Light The Night walk as a way to do that.

Light The Night is more of an experience than anything; it is difficult to put into words. My entire family was in tears when all the survivors were standing together in the Circle of Survivors. There is a strong sense of bonding between the people who are there and the experiences they share. It felt very empowering; yes, we've done this together and we're now making a difference for people who are currently going through this and WILL go through it in the future. You have to be there to understand Light The Night - half of my family had no idea what this event was going to be like, and after the event, they said, "That was amazing!"

Light The Night is a great way to raise awareness. Prior to my diagnosis, I knew very little about blood cancer - my understanding of blood cancer was leukemia, not lymphoma (my diagnosis). It is also a great way to raise very important funds for research & development for treatments and enhancing immunotherapy. Having been the recipient of that treatment, it is very sophisticated now compared with what it was 20 years ago. It is also a great opportunity for people to band together, for a community to form and have an amazing experience, in addition to raising awareness and raising funds.