Alex Taylor

Life without Alex.
 

Some of you know might know my (Vanessa Nasrallah) story.. which is not actually mine. My story is my brother, Alex's.

Alex was diagnosed with a very rare form of intravascular t-cell acute lymphocyctic lymphoma (and later leukemia) at 22 years old, in June of 2012.. 1 day after graduating from Dalhousie University's BSc in Microbiology and Immunology. Ironic, huh?

I first knew something was wrong with my brother when I picked him up to take him home for the summer. My brother was an RA at DAL. My brother was also a guy who could bike 50km's no sweat in a day. When I started helping move him home for the summer, he could barely get up a flight of stairs without breaking into a full sweat. I knew something was really wrong. They had thought he had a pancreatic infection.. but it was more than that.

Then on the day of his graduation from DAL, he came downstairs to my room (I usually helped him with his tie) and said, "Vanessa, look at my neck". The lymph nodes on the right side of his neck were massive. I said, "I don't think today is a tie day. But I do think today is a visit to the doctor day". He gulped and said, "I think you're right, but mom is going to kill me if I don't wear a tie". That was the moment I knew our lives were going to drastically change. I don't know where in the depths of my brain I found this but I thought "holy crap. my brother has cancer". And I just sat on that silently for that day.

Unfortunately, Alex lost his battle a short 9 months later in February of 2013. Alex had a very difficult fight. Alex faced things like drug resistance, a lack of treatment options and medical trials available to him, and simply ... just a really extremely aggressive form of blood cancer. We tried to get him well enough to do a bone marrow transplant as I was a "good enough" match.. but there was just no stopping it.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. When you grow up 18 months apart... you are close whether you like it or not. My brother and I couldn't have been more different, but we had a very close bond. As siblings we know what every look means. We know a certain type of tear comes from a broken heart,and a certain type of tear comes from being so happy for someone. We know what each laugh means. The fake laugh, the belly laugh, the polite laugh. I miss that a lot. I miss having my person who was supposed to help me deal with adulting, and taking care of my parents. I miss having someone to share the attention at family gatherings. Now everyone is just constantly worried about me all the time. Which is nice.. but sometimes overwhelming.

I'll never forget the day what my brother said to me in his room on the 8th floor, when his medical team was in and doing rounds and we were on the subject of his mental health. He just stopped and said... "You know, the harsh reality of all of this is I am going to be gone soon. This will all be over for me. And it's not ones fault. I know everyone here is doing everything they can for me. But what bothers me the most at night is leaving Vanessa behind with all of this. She is 21 years old and is going to have to wake up and go to bed with this every night. And as much as I know some nights she'll be really ok with me not there nagging her about not studying, or not exercising enough... I know there is going to be a lot of nights where she is sad. And no one has asked her yet about her mental health". That was my brother. Always thinking about everyone else. We get it from our parents if you're wondering. They are the best. But in that moment, I realized.. well crap. I never thought about it like that. When you're in this cancer world.. you just think about getting through the next blood transfusion. At that point, I hadn't accepted that there would be a "day without Alex". To those that worry - don't worry too much. I definitely sought the help I needed for years. Perks of having a mother who is a nurse and works in mental health. I still deal with PTSD and anxiety from all of this... but all things considered.. I think i've come out the other side o.k. Luckily - I have a positive disposition. But trust me, I am a lot more patient, kind and empathetic now than before all of this. So there is always something you can learn from everything you go through.

My brother's wish: To not be forgotten. It's a sad thing to hear you brother say. But I think we all want to leave a lasting impact on this world. So that's #whyIwalk and come to work on the days (that are getting fewer and far between) when it seems impossible to get out of bed. I'm still here. I'm still healthy. So I can try really hard to hopefully make sure no one has to go through what Alex did. Or what Tristan did. Or what JP did. Or what Brennan did. Or what Phil did. And so that no sister has to know what this feels like. The game we all play is.. wanting someone to be able to understand how we feel... but also not wanting anyone to know how we feel because that means that they went through what we did.

What I can say is how lucky we all are to be making steps towards change.. towards better and less harsh treatment.. What you all do really matters to me because without you, we can't change this and Alex would've tried to change this. So keep going. Keep pushing through these long days. Alex would have.